{Broken Heart}

When you go from having a baby to having another one, you tend to compare the two. I keep getting surprised by all that Elsie can do and then remember who I am comparing her to. Everything has been so much harder for Ellie to learn. It took her over a year to learn how to cry. I bet you didn't know that is a learned thing. We were sitting in one of her many doctor appointments and they wanted her to take this HORRIBLE sedation medication orally. She was so upset that she cried. I mean really cried, tears and all. I was so excited that she had learned this that I started to cry with joy. I know that sounds weird but I really wanted her to learn this. We all need a good cry once in awhile. She still has to work on crying though. If she is with someone she doesn't know very well she won't cry. Even if her hand is stuck in the door.(real example) It is something that she is continually progressing on. Some days I wish she wouldn't work so hard on it.

Anyway back to what I was even posting about. Today I was running behind and the baby needed a bath. I still needed to shower and thought "I should just give Elsie a shower with me." I have not wanted to do this because babies hate showers. They cry, throw a fit, arch their back, and are just plain terrified. Shower+soap+wet scared baby=DANGER Right?!? WRONG! I totally forgot this is something that is hard for Ellie but Elsie LOVED it. I then started to remember that "Oh ya, I did this with JJ and Emma and they loved it." Ellie has very sensitive nerves. So the feel of the water hitting her body like it does drives her crazy, plus she doesn't trust the situation at all. When I held Elsie I realized how much I missed these moments with Ellie. It made me feel so bad for her. She saw me in the shower with Elsie and wanted to get in. So all by herself she took off her pajamas(no small task for her)and got in with us. She immediately got scared, cried and stood at the back of the shower so the water couldn't get her. My heart was broken for her. She wanted so badly to do what Elsie was doing, but her body wouldn't let her.

Another thing that breaks my heart is that there comes a time for any little kid to want to go play with a friend. In her limited vocabulary she has told me how much she wants to go and play. She is still like a two year old in some things so to send her to someone's house is like asking them to baby sit. I can't do that to my neighbors. I have kids come over but it just isn't the same. She wants to do what JJ and Emma are doing. When they leave to go and play with their friends she cries for the next 30 minutes in her room laying on her anywhere chair.

My neighbor has told me that I can send her over but when I do I just feel guilty the whole time. You are probably thinking "Don't! She told you you could." and I wouldn't except the other day I was with some kids her same age and I asked one of them if she would like to come over and play with Ellie today. She turned and looked and Ellie with an uneasy look and said "No, I don't want to play with her."

At first this broke my heart. Then I thought back to before I had Ellie and I probably would have been that little girl who said "No". She wasn't being mean, she was being honest. We judge people on their outer appearances. We are taught this is not right, but this is how children are. My kids are included in this.

After giving this some thought I realized that Ellie never gets calls to come play. That is because when you ask your kids who they want to play with they tell you. I started putting two and two together and realized that she is not the kid that other kids want to play with. Again this breaks my heart. The thing is I totally understand. I use to not have a Down Syndrome child. I use to be one that was uneasy and felt pity for those that did have one. I can't expect because I have changed that everyone else will as well.

I just have to figure out a way to not let these kind of things get to me. I could just cry and cry when she goes to her room and cries. I get her to come out with some fun activity that her and Mom can do together. This usually works, but I know in her heart she really truly wants a friend. She loves her play group, preschool, and Ballet. She gets so excited when she hears that she gets to go to one of these. I wish that I could construct a kid that she could have as her best friend. I guess in a way Jeron and I already did. She just needs to get bigger first and then Ellie and Elsie can be best friends for a season.

The thing that scares me is that she is only four. Soon she will be eight and what then? I hope I get some answers to this dilemma before the time comes. I am so grateful to the women that are ahead of me in this process. They come with so much insight and wisdom. I will just keep asking them for advice.

It really is a wonderful world to be a part of. Just some days are harder then others. That is why we have family and friends to help us through the days that break our hearts. I know each of us have issues with our kids and I am not unique in mine. My heart breaks all the time for my other kids as well. It is just easier to figure the problems out when other kids have the same issues.

I am sure in a while I will learn the reason why Ellie has to struggle with this. I have already learned so much from her as it is. We will just keep loving her and heaven knows she will keep loving all of us.