Trials, tears, and testimony

Just like everyone else,

I have been going through a trial

A BIG ONE.

It has taken me on a wild ride, and one that is FAR from over.

I have had moments where I felt beaten down and wondered if I would ever get up.

Then there are the moments that I know that my Savior is carrying me.

These moments are the ones that I have the harder time finding.

Now, I KNOW that He is always their for me.

I just have this major problem, I forget to feel that.

Lately, I have really FORGOTTEN how to feel Him.

On Easter weekend I had hit one of those all time low moments.

My poor family had to deal with my insane drama.

The tears just would not stop.  I was ANGRY...at everyone and everything.

I was so sad, and I felt ALONE.

The sad thing is I know I was not alone but for some reason I block that feeling of peace.

I tend to wallow in my self pity.

On Easter we went and did the Easter thing like always.  

I had pulled myself together long enough to enjoy the holiday.

My parents gave our kids books for Easter about the gospel.

Emma got a book this year that she devoured the moment she got it.

On the way home from my parents house she told me I really should read it.

I said okay, I will...you know one of those Ya, ya, when I get around to it.

Well on Tuesday night she came to me and asked if I had read it.

I had to say NO.  She seemed disappointed.  

I felt the GUILT

On Wednesday I made a point of reading it.  

It was time to read to Ellie and Elsie so I thought hey I can kill two birds with one stone.  

I will have to say this may have been a bad idea. (not reading the book but reading it with the littles)

I SOBBED through the whole book

You know, that UGLY uncontrollable SOBBING.

I was feeling what I have been blocking...the answers of what I really needed to know.

PEACE

The things I hadn't been letting myself feel.

The poor littles kept asking "are you okay mommy" and kissing me.

I kept saying these are happy tears but really what little kids understand that.

The lesson was not over.

On Sunday I was siting in Relief Society(a meeting for the women in my church)

The Relief Society president bore her testimony.

She talked about a Carl Bloch painting.

I wish I could remember the name but that wasn't the point.

In the painting a mother was standing near her dying daughter.  The mother had a tear in her eye and you could feel the pain of a mother losing her child.  She said if you didn't look closely you could have missed Christ was in the painting.  

He was standing in the doorway.  He was waiting to come in.  

Her take on the painting was EXACTLY the message I needed.

He is always there...ALWAYS!

He has to let us feel our trials though.  If we do not feel them then we cannot learn from them.

He had to stand back and let that mother feel the moment so she could understand the miracle that was about to happen.

Every thing in our life is for a reason.  It may not be something we understand.  It may not be something we ever understand(here) but it is something that will strengthen us if we let it. 

I sat there and clear as day I had a feeling that what ever happens things would be right.

See how it is not okay, perfect, or bliss

It will be RIGHT.

I can't even express the peace that I felt from that.

I know that Heavenly Father loves us.

I know that there will be more times where I forget to feel His love for me.

It is moments like this that will help remind me.

I know what I felt was my Savior and his perfect love for me.