Working OUT

The last little while I have been really struggling with my body. Now before you get a paranoid about me being self deprecating let me explain. When I started wearing a size 6 I remember standing in the dressing room at Old Navy and thinking okay a 6 is okay but NO MORE. I then proceeded to tell myself (yes, I talk to myself...that is a whole other issue.)I would NEVER be a size 10. SHOOT ME, if I get that big. Mind you, this was before kids and before I realized what changes I would have to face. Well, a size 10 has long passed me by. I look in the mirror and don't know the girl that is looking back. It isn't so much about being skinny as it is about finding the girl I am. I am no happy with the way I have let myself go but have done absolutely nothing about it. I decided a few months back that enough was enough. Then I had a problem. I needed running shoes. It has taken me literally 5 months and still no shoes. I was working out in my basement for about 9 weeks with NO results but to actually lose it I think I need to run, eat better, and just get some motivation.

I was thinking one night that I needed to find someone to motivate me. If I could just have Julian from the Biggest loser helping me out I know I could do it and my excuses wouldn't last. I was at Emma's soccer game and I don't know what came over me but I asked one of my neighbor friends who reminds me of Julian in the strong, healthy, motivational way, not the rip into you way to help me out. The response was amazing. She was so excited. I told her I could be her project. She quickly told me No, I can be her friend, and she would LOVE to help me. She said lets start on Monday and I said oh, I can start as soon as I get some shoes. Already I had the perfect excuse. She immediately told me she had a pair that I could use. So excuse gone. Monday morning we were going running.

Emma's game was on Wednesday so I had time to build up to this. Shannon (my personal trainer:)has called me or text me everyday up to Monday just getting me pumped up. She really has taken this seriously for me. I can't even tell you how much this has meant to me.

On Saturday Jeron and I stopped at Target on the way home to see if we could find anything else for me work out in. This was probably the worst moment I have had in a long time. I knew in just 3 days I was going to be in a gym with a bunch of SKINNY girls and I could not believe how bad I looked in my work out clothes. Shopping for workout clothes was worse than swim suit shopping or Jeans for that matter. I hit my low and cried, actually sobbed the whole way home from Target. Jeron was very worried about me and quickly said "Why don't you just run with me." He could see how stressed I was, cause well I was CRAZY nervous about Monday. The thing is that Jeron is too easy on me, plus I get hurt more by him noticing I am fat than anyone. He never tries to makes me feel fat EVER, it is just when he says anything I am SO sensitive. I know unfair to him. I knew that I needed to do this without him at first.

So, come Monday we were going to go running. I have never run a day in my life. Wait scratch that, I have and I get a freakin' asthma attack when I do. My brother Smitty would run with me when I was a teen and say, "Are you going to die?" Quite frankly I wondered the same thing. Well, I was worried about me and worried about Shannon. She is an amazing runner and gym goer. I worried I would slow her down and her work out would be pointless. I was just getting really uneasy about it. Then I got home on Sunday night and there is a text from Shannon, "Change of plans...it is suppose to be scattered thunderstorms at 6:30 so I am going to go to a 5:30 body combat class instead. It is awesome you should come. I will be there at 5:15 to pick you up." OMGOODNESS! I had visions of my 8th grade dance video pop up in my head. (The first and last time I took dance) I am NOT Coordinated at all. So here I was going to a gym and not only will I be the biggest but I will be the most ridiculous looking one there. I swallowed my pride and said yes to the text.

I was surprised at how easy it was to get up at 5:00 am. I think I am normally awake at that time due to something or another so it hasn't been to bad. Shannon is AWESOME. I can't sing her praises enough. She has helped me with everything from taking me, to helping me set up, to motivating me and telling me I don't look like and idiot even though we both know I do. I think I was inspired to ask for her help. She is just what I needed for this. She really cares and that is so nice. Even today she brought me a shake with stuff to help my muscles, just cause she wants this to be a good experience.

Another thing, you always here about peace. I don't remember the last time I felt peace. That is until Monday, when I came home and I was sitting eating my breakfast while my whole family slept. I felt peace. I had a few moments to myself. Moments I haven't had in a long time and it was then that I knew that I am on a good track. I hope that I can stay with it. My muscles are so sore today, and apparently they will be worse tomorrow but my mind is at peace. I want to keep this feeling. I know that I am only at the beginning and this is probably a feeling that will fade, but I just really want to find that girl again. I think it will be good for me and everyone I love if I do. So even though I am the biggest and most uncoordinated in the class (which is a true statement) I will continue going. I know there will be mornings that this will kill me but I hope I can keep this up. Wish me luck.